i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
