i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
