I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
