I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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