where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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