I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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