Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Randomize
