Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
