well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
