1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
