he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
