I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
