I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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