I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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