a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
