after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
