we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
