Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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