If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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