Can i not drive my cunt home
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Randomize
