also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
