My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
