I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
