Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
