My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
