She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
