a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
