Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
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