I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
