How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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