I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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