I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
