Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
