Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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