I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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