He uses pillows to masturbate.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
