we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
