I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
