im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
