Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My liver just had a heart attack.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
