never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
