I wish I could punch you in the face.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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