I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
