The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
