Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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