This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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