im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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