I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
