She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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