im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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