whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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