I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
