Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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