I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
