Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
