i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
