Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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