whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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