I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
