dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
