I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
