I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You're like the curious george of whores
Be still, my beating vagina.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
